


If You Love Me

by annalikestotalk



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-23 07:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10714941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annalikestotalk/pseuds/annalikestotalk
Summary: “You’re not listening to me, Todd. I said I love you.”“You say that as if I deserve you.”





	If You Love Me

When Dirk Gently asks if he can talk to you for a moment, it is an appropriate reaction to be scared.

Todd has been Dirk’s assis-friend for a while now, and one of the things that he’s learned is that Dirk says what’s on his mind when it’s on his mind, and has little regard for, or knowledge of, tact. If Dirk has something to say, he’s going to say it, no matter where they are or what it is. It’s unheard of for him to request private audiences with anyone.

And yet there he is, hovering in the doorway of the office and fidgeting, clearly waiting for Todd’s response. He seems nervous, fingers fluttering over fingers as he fiddles with his hands, and Todd is both worried and distracted by the movement. He drags his eyes back up to Dirk’s expectant face and frowns.

“Is everything okay, Dirk?” He nods far too quickly.

“Yes, yes, everything’s fine. Good, even! Everything is good. I’d just… like to talk. To you.”

Todd shares a confused glance with Farah, who shrugs and turns back to her laptop like she’s declaring it officially not her problem. Todd frowns, but gets up and follows Dirk into the hallway.

“So, what’s-“ He starts, but is interrupted by Dirk hissing.

“Not here! Someone could walk past.” His cheeks have flushed and he’s glancing around as if someone might actually be hiding somewhere, eavesdropping. Todd feels awful for thinking it’s adorable when something is clearly wrong.

“Aha!” Says Dirk, and Todd doesn’t have time to ask what’s happening before Dirk is grabbing his wrist and pulling him towards a door labelled ‘supply closet’ at the end of the hall.

  
“What the hell, Dirk?” He demands as they go, and tries to ignore the way Dirk’s hand is warm around his wrist.

Dirk pulls them into the closet and drags the door closed behind them. It’s not a big space, but there’s room enough between them that they’re not touching. It is pitch black though, and Todd can hear Dirk scrambling around, presumably trying to find the light switch.

The light clicks on, and Todd pointedly doesn’t think about how the space between them is smaller than it had felt in the dark. There are shelves on either side of the room, stacked with office supplies, and there’s some cleaning stuff there too, Todd realises, as he shifts and the handle of a mop makes itself comfortable digging into his back.

The main thing Todd notices, though, is Dirk, flushed and dishevelled, lips red like he’s been biting at them. Todd doesn’t know what’s making him look like this, but he finds himself sending a silent prayer of thanks towards it. Dirk looks like Todd’s never seen him before, and he pushes the guilt of those thoughts to the back of his head for later, when he doesn’t have Dirk here in front of him looking like Todd’s only ever dreamed of.

“So?” He makes himself ask. “What’s going on?”

Dirk takes a deep breath and his eyes set in something like determination.

“Todd.” He stops.

“…Dirk?” He asks, after a few seconds pass in silence. Dirk takes another deep breath and nods.

“Todd. I have thought about this long and hard, and I have come to the conclusion that I am in love with you.”

Todd chokes on nothing but air and his brain does a gymnastics routine worthy of gold as he tries to put those words into any order that makes them make sense.

“I- I don’t…” He chokes out, and Dirk lays a hand on his arm, frowning.

“Are you okay, Todd? I understand that it might seem rather sudden, but it’s really not, if you think about it. This has been coming for a while.”

Todd finally gets his breath back and takes a few deep breaths to center himself.

“This is… this is a joke, right?” His voice becomes more confident as he decides to just go with that. “Right, it must be. That’s… that’s real funny, Dirk, but we should probably get back to work.”

He places his hand on the door handle, and pauses when Dirk places his own over the top of it.

“Of course it’s not a joke, Todd. I’m not trying to be cruel. I love you.” Todd shoves down a laugh at the obvious oxymoron he can see in those words.

“Look, it’s fine, we’ll just forget about it. We really need to get back.” Dirk huffs.

“You’re not listening to me, Todd. I said I love you.”

“You say that as if I deserve you.”

It slips out without permission and the entire world around him seems to freeze at the words. Dirk has gone stiff and is staring at him in a shocked way that Todd doesn’t think he likes. His own body is screaming at him to run away, to move, to do something, but Todd can’t seem to make it move at all. He gives up and closes his eyes and waits for something to happen.

“Todd, I… Open your eyes. Look at me.” He doesn’t, and Dirk sighs sadly. “Todd, please.”

There’s a pleading note in his tone that makes Todd’s heart sing with pain, and he doesn’t think he could deny Dirk anything if asked it like that.

He opens his eyes and Dirk doesn’t look shocked anymore. He looks sad, and he’s frowning like he’s confused.

“Where is this coming from, Todd? What makes you think you don’t deserve me?”

Todd would give anything not to answer him, but he’s still using that voice that's making Todd's chest ache.

“Where do I start?” He asks with a humourless chuckle, and Dirk frowns at him in gentle admonishment. Todd sighs. “It’s not… You’re just, you’re good, Dirk. Really honestly good. And me? I’ve spent my whole life lying. I’ve fucked people over, both intentionally and not. I’m a selfish person. I always have been, and I think I always might be. It’s not even just you, Dirk. Maybe I don’t deserve to be loved.”

He didn’t mean to say that either, but it seems his mouth is making the decisions before his brain can. Dirk is staring at him, the look on his face somewhere between heartbroken and horrified. He opens his mouth like he’s going to speak, but no words come out. Todd sighs. Yeah, he wouldn’t know how to respond to that either.

“I’m just going to-“ He says, turning towards the door, but Dirk’s hand tightens on his and drags it away from the handle.

“Don’t you dare.” He says, and his voice is shaking. Todd watches as tears start leaking out of his eyes and hates himself more for making Dirk cry. “Don’t you _dare_ say that and then walk away, Todd Brotzman.”

Todd opens his mouth and is interrupted before he can speak.

“And don’t you dare try and argue with me. You’re staying here, and you’re going to listen to what I have to say. Do you understand?” Todd stares at him, half amazed at the heated look in his gaze that he doesn’t think he’s ever seen there before. “Answer me, Todd.”

He nods dumbly.

“Good.” Some of the tension leaves Dirk's shoulders. “Firstly, I think you’ve got the wrong idea about me. I’m not good. I’m not bad either, don’t give me that look. But I’m not a saint. Whatever you think of me, Todd, I can promise you you’re wrong. I’m human and I screw up and I get people hurt because I never have any idea what I’m doing. And it’s awful, okay? It’s sad and it’s horrible and it’s awful and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll make more mistakes. And so will you. But we can figure them out together, okay? You have to stop making me into something I’m not. I just want to be me, with you.”

His voice gets quiet at the end, and he sounds almost hurt. Todd nods, and he thinks he might start crying in a second.

“Secondly, you. Are. Incredible. Yes, you lied, but not anymore. You’ve come clean, and you’re better than you were. You made mistakes, Todd. But you’re working on it. You’re trying to be better, and that counts for everything. No selfish person would even bother. You’re not good, Todd, but you’re not bad, either. You’re human, and that’s absolutely enough.”

Todd is definitely crying now.

“Lastly, everyone deserves to be loved. And you, Todd, you are so loved. By your sister, and by Farah, and by me. I love you, and the idea that you could do anything to be undeserving of that is frankly ridiculous.”

Todd thinks that _they_ probably look ridiculous right now, standing in a supply closet, holding hands and crying. He also thinks that he’s maybe okay with it.

“Look at me, Todd.”

And he does, god, he does, and Dirk’s eyes are shining with tears and an emotion that Todd finally has a name for. And then he’s throwing himself forward, and Dirk is there to catch him, and their arms are gripping tight to each other. Dirk’s firm weight leaning against his own is comforting in a way nothing ever has been and they stand there, clutching each other and sobbing for what Todd will later consider an obscene amount of time, but in reality is only a few minutes. When they calm, they lean back just far enough to see each other’s faces, still holding each other like letting go would mean the end of the world.

Todd feels like he should say something, but there are no words in this world that he thinks would be enough to be worth saying in this moment. Instead, he smiles at Dirk, and Dirk smiles back, and he thinks that might be enough.

And then the door swings open and all three of them make odd, high pitched noises.

“Farah! What are you doing here?” Blurts out Dirk, and Todd feels as taken aback as Dirk sounds.

“Me?” Demands Farah. “What are you doing in here? And why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

Todd laughs and wipes his face, disentangling regretfully from Dirk.

“Well, I guess you could say we’re about to come out of the closet.”

Farah stares at him uncomprehendingly for a moment, before realisation crosses over her face, which does something complicated before settling on a small smile.

“Congratulations, I suppose.” She says. “Also, could you pass me some of that paper? The printer ran out.”

Todd leans over and grabs a sheaf of paper, handing it to her. She takes it from him and sighs.

“Thanks. I’ll leave you two to ‘come out’ in your own time.” She offers another smile and Todd can’t help grinning at her as she closes the door again.

Dirk looks at him and raises his brows.

“Do you think she knows?” Todd laughs and laughs, and it’s an incredible feeling. Dirk’s looking at him like he can’t quite figure him out, and it only makes him laugh more. This right here is a perfect moment, the kind of perfect that only full blown laughter after heartfelt tears can be. Dirk’s smiling at Todd’s mirth, and Todd thinks screw it, and leans in and kisses him. He’s allowed to now, after all.

Todd Brotzman is loved, and Dirk Gently is never going to let him forget it.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not funny, but I am sorry.
> 
> I'm not a huge fan of this ending, but I'm calling it finished anyway because I can't be bothered to rewrite it. Also, this is probably the angstiest thing I'm ever gonna write because I don't like that shit. I genuinely refuse to read angst, so this is about as much of that as I can manage, and it's practically nothing. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be sad.
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr @annalikestotalk!


End file.
